Hi everyone! I'm kennedy over at
www.thescalewhisperer.com I'm so very proud to be one of Lynn's Losers this season!!
I wrote this for a transformation essay contest, and I think it does a great job of summing up who I am, how far I've come, and where I want to go
xo
kennedy
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“Who is kennedy?"
I give the usual answers ... I'm a divorced mom, domestic abuse survivor, my life revolves around my kids, I'm originally from Hawaii and moved to the Midwest in 2002, I like this, I like that, blah blah blah ...
And he shook his head, and asked again ...
"Who is kennedy?"
That was 2 years ago, during an interview for the reality show The Biggest Loser. At my heaviest weight – 255 lbs, I thought the show was my last hope. I was willing to literally bare every single roll of fat in a sports bra and shorts to the entire world.
I struggled with that question for the next 20 months - I had no idea who I was. I've lived my life liking what other people liked. Disliking what they liked. I had no real clue what it was that I liked/disliked. I mean, seriously, I knew I was fat. I knew I liked chocolate and love to read. But deeper than those superficial things, who was I?
The majority of my life up until the beginning of my transformation has been living to make others happy. I learned at an early age that it was easier to pretend to be what my parents wanted me to be, than to exert my own thoughts and opinions. Don't get me wrong, my parents were the very best and loved me dearly. I just made this assumption on my own, and began to apply it to everyone I met. So and so liked this music band, so I did too. So and so didn't like to watch this show, so I didn't either. What do I want to do today, you ask? Well, what do YOU want to do today, I’d counter. I lived the first 33 years of my life like this, not really even knowing I was doing it.
Back then, I avoided mirrors at all costs. I would look at myself as I brushed my teeth or did my hair, but I avoided looking at myself unless I absolutely had to. Why? Because I really despised what I saw looking back at me in the mirror. I saw hopelessness, despair, and depression. I saw a girl that was hopelessly lost.
A few months ago, September 2008 to be exact, I started looking. Really looking. Trying to see who this girl is that gazes back at me in the mirror. I try to look into her eyes and really see her. See her like my children do. See her like my true friends do. See her like God does.
At first, I had no idea what I was looking for, but slowly, I started to see the answer …
Imagine a tiny flower seed. It’s so tiny and insignificant. It isn't much to look at; in fact, it's rather plain and indistinguishable. You plant it in the earth with good intentions, and you water it, give it sunlight, keep it from the chill, and you wait. It seems like a long time, but finally, the seed sprouts out of the ground, and eventually blossoms and flowers. It is a thing of beauty.
But it's what you can't see that's important. The growth deep beneath the soil, the myriad of roots that branch out, seeking that which is important to its growth and life.
A very good friend helped to plant a seed of belief inside of me in January 2008. It took several months of trying and failing for it to finally root and grow, as it had to crowd out the seed of self-doubt that I had carefully cultivated and nurtured for many years. It wasn't easy, and sometimes self-doubt would try to crowd out the tiny seed of belief.
Of course, the tiny seed of belief has won because when I now look in the mirror, I see love, hope, and strength. I see a leaner face, without the double chin and chubby cheeks. Or I'll see a flash of the future strength and victory in my stance.
With 90+ lbs lost, I know this time is different. I know this with every fiber of my being. Why is this time different from the rest? Because I finally learned to love myself. Just as I am, flaws and strengths included.
As miserable as I've been in my past ... as overweight as I was and as hard as it's been to lose this weight, I never truly want to forget those feelings. Those oh-so-painful memories created the person I am today, and in some odd, twisted way, I'm happy I endured the things I've lived through. I used to wish certain things never happened, or wish I turned left instead of right. Now, while I'm not exactly overjoyed that those things happened and certain decisions were made, I am happy where I am today.
Today, as I sit here in my cute black high-heeled boots and new size 12 slacks, it hits me. My life has been forever changed.
Physically, I have gone from a size 22 to a size 12 in 5 months. My insomnia, high blood pressure and GERD have been cured. My skin glows. My hair shines (without products!!) My nails would become talons if I didn't give myself a manicure every Sunday. But more important and meaningful than any physical change in the world, I've changed on the inside. I've finally found my voice. I know my self-worth and I have gained self-confidence.
Food no longer maintains its hold over me. I know food will always be there. I face whatever problem, issue or social situation head on and deal with it. Then I move on, stronger and better than ever.
A whole new life awaits each and every one of us. All we need to do is take that first step, and believe.